No. 55 – Seeking Square One
The root of all my introverted evil
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OH, my darling one. How we’ve grown apart. I used to come to you and say whatever the hell I wanted, and there was joy in never knowing what would happen as a result. I didn’t care what people thought. I was having fun and that was all that mattered.
Now I’m all in my head. What will people think? What do people want? WHAT SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT THAT PEOPLE WILL FIND SUPER INTERESTING, MAKE THEM “FEEL SEEN”, AND CAUSE THEM TO WANT TO FOLLOW ME TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH?
Hmm.
Not sure.
What I’d really like to do is go back to square one… that square where I didn’t care. My Life’s Work: A Visual Memoir project was all-consuming and that’s pretty much all I wrote about for a while there, up until the opening of the show in June. Last month I had nuthin’ to give (figuratively, physically, mentally, emotionally) so I re-posted something from a couple of years ago and lost a couple of subscribers as a result. Maybe they were leaving anyway. Either way, it didn’t inspire confidence.
Where’s my ground zero… where’s my square one?
After Life’s Work ended in July I mini-panicked about how I hadn’t had any new art for sale for a long time so I’d better get crackin’, as my grandmother used to say. Life’s Work wasn’t that kind of show—a commercial show—unless you count my offer of giclée prints of my mother in the thick of her dementia, which no-one seemed to be clamoring for. Don’t get me wrong! The show was, by all accounts, a success.
What to sell? I had the brilliant idea to paint portraits on maps and make that “an offering” as they say nowadays. I painted my husband David and daughter Chloe (see above) to act as examples, and then found the exercise so onerous that I abandoned the idea forthwith. Painting on maps isn’t very fun as it turns out—though the results are kind of cool. The paper is too thin and absorbent, sucking up all chance for nuance in a heartbeat, and it wrinkles if worked too long. The “background noise” of the map image also makes fine-tuning the likeness of the portrait subject more difficult.
It appears that if I’m going to make any money from art it won’t be from painting on maps. Maybe it doesn’t work for me to think in terms of money-making, either about my art or my Feed the Monster posts. Maybe I’m the type who’ll only make money when I truly give up on the idea of doing so, because that will result in better work. Maybe getting back to square one means not worrying about what I think other people want—I’m probably wrong anyway. Maybe it means following my nose toward what *I* find interesting and fun in the hopes there’ll be others who agree. I mean, I know this.
Maybe I’m full of malarkey, as my grandmother used to say.
So, good-bye maps and hello again to Life’s Work. I revisited the writing for the graphic memoir I plan to make, and started work on a Canada Council grant application for help with that project. I believe that Life’s Work as graphic novel, even if published, won’t be my ticket to financial freedom—but I do think it could be a really great thing.
So I guess that’s what I’m-a gonna do…
In the search for my roots—for my square one—I looked at my Pinterest account for the first time in years. Wow! It was surprisingly revelatory. Huh… so that’s the stuff I like… interesting. Or at least, it’s what I liked a few years ago. When you’re collecting images for the sheer joy of it, there are definitely no ulterior motives and/or money-making hopes involved. It was galvanizing to be reminded of simple things like… what I’m attracted to. What speaks to me.
I also looked back at previous Feed the Monster posts to get a feel for which were “best”, and to that end I took note of which were the most popular according to the stats. To whit:
No. 41 – No Thinking Allowed
No. 53 – Behold My Imperfection
No. 52 – Brava
No. 40 – Vulnerability is Punk AF
No. 47 – We’re Still A-Livin’
and
No. 45 – Try Caring Less were the most popular.
What’s the secret sauce? If I knew, I’d tap into it ad infinitum. My guess is that the writing resonates when I’m fully present at the time of writing, write about something that means something to me, and write in my “authentic voice”. You’d think that it would always be my voice—and it is—but as with making art or performing, sometimes you’re “in the pocket” and sometimes you’re not. Again there’s that catch–22 where I’m most likely to create secret sauce when I’m least focused on achieving secret sauce. Haha—yes, you may quote me on that.
Or maybe it’s when I care the least, and am having the most fun? Maybe that amounts to the same thing.
Let’s move on.
Since moving Feed the Monster to Substack I’ve found myself subscribing to lots of newsletters, not all of which I stick with. One newsletter I enjoy is Maybe Baby. It’s put out by a young woman named Haley Nahman—a culture writer who I always find to be bright and wise. It’s hip as well, which helps me feel like I’m keeping up with what the young people are doing and thinking these days. Anyhoo, she has a feature every week called “15 things I consumed this week”, which is a list consisting of various things such as a show she saw, an article she read, or an amazing bagel she had (all with links to the source, of course). I always find the list super interesting, so in my soul-searching about rediscovering my Square One and having fun with Feed the Monster again, I wondered… should I do something like that? Simply share some things I do or like?
Of course, not being a hip, 30-something Brooklynite, it’s possible my list wouldn’t be quite as intriguing. And granted I didn’t think about this too long, but it did occur to me I could show you two recent finds from “little free libraries” that I visit when I walk the dog. I recently found a 1950 first American edition of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, which I first encountered as a teen. I knew right away I had to reread it immediately as a source of comfort, much the way I soothed myself by starting to re-read Michael Chabon’s The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay for the third time the night Trump was elected in November 2016.
And yes, it was a comfort. Incredibly, I still got shivers when the children meet Aslan for the first time.
Another book I picked up and am in the process of reading is Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. In-ter-es-ting. My extroverted husband and daughter have long teased me about being an “HSP”—a highly sensitive person—and a lot of what I’m learning about introverts seems interchangeable with that designation.
Sensitive to sound, light, social interaction… everything basically. Needing alone time (not wanting—needing). Inward looking. Reflective. Can be highly focused. Prefer one-on-one interactions to parties. Dislike small talk; enjoy in-depth conversations. Feel drained, even somewhat disturbed sometimes after large gatherings, even if a good time’s been had. Observant. Think before speaking. Consider carefully before doing. Do my best work alone. Among many other points she makes.
Sometimes it can be heartening to see yourself in the pages of a book, for the reassurance that you’re normal. Normal, normal, NORMAL I tell you! I was born this way! Also, I woke up like this.
Okay, gotta go. I hope you enjoyed my attempt to rediscover square one. On the horizon in the shiny future is commencing painting for Life’s Work as graphic memoir, and the potential “offering” of becoming a paid subscriber if you’d like to support me in that work.
Bye for now!
B.A. xo
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Lovely! What a find at the little free library! I have the full Narnia box set collection from when I was a kid and have recently thought about going through it again. Thank you for the suggestion. And I read Quiet at the beginning of the pandemic, as a highly-energized extrovert, trying to better understand the "other people", lol. It was an excellent eye-opener for me and I learned a lot. PS: I love the map art. Beautiful and breath-taking!
Love the map paintings....was about to inquire about commissioning you when you said argh, too hard to do....re-consider??
Re-read the Narnia series this summer after many years and tumbled through time and space in a beautiful way. Great find in the little library. The book found you.